We sat holding Blake’s hand after he took his final breath. He was with Jesus. It did not seem real…it felt like I was dreaming. I remember someone coming into the room just minutes after Blake had died and started talking about an autopsy…who does that…what parent wants to think about their child being cut open and probed on? This seemed so cruel. He was gone, couldn’t he just be left in peace. The autopsy wasn’t going to change anything…my sweet boy was in Heaven.
We returned to the waiting room, there all our family and friends were just waiting on us. Everyone is crying. My sweet Randy once again gathered us in our circle to pray. Everyone in the circles eyes were closed except for mine and Nick Clark. I remember my eyes locking into Nick’s eyes. My heart was beating so fast, I thought I was going to pass out. Again, I asked myself “is this really happening?”
People started picking up our belongings in the room that we had lived the last 4 days. I felt paralyzed…what was I going to do now? Where do I go from here? How am I going to spend the rest of my life without my sweet Blakey boy?
God had a perfect plan…I did not like His plan…but, I knew I had to trust Him and place all my faith in Him. After all, God is God!!!
Joy Journalin' Momma 
Thanks so much for sharing. I remember that night vividly. Mixed emotions of sadness, hurt, separation. So thankful we could lean in to God.
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I can still remember that same empty Feeling. But let me share with you the Wonders of God, for He is Good and all mighty. It all started at her last home softball game. It was her Senior year and the last time that she would ever play a game on her home field. It was the last inning. The game was tied, two outs and Rachelle is up to bat. Now we all know that she is not the fastest runner, however, Rachelle hit a line drive to shortstop. The girl dropped the ball, picked it up and threw it toward first base. As Rachelle was approaching the base, the next girl just missed the ball. The coach called for Racelle to run to second. Again, as she was approaching second base, the ball was overthrown and Rachelle ran to third. When she got to third, the coach keep her running for home. Rachell made an inn field home run and her team won the game. Rachelle was the hero.
Now gods wonders did not stop there. As the summer progressed, Rachelle got the job that she wanted. She was excited about moving away from home and starting her new life. Her last weekend at home, God saw it fit that I would be able to enjoy her company one last time. Rachelle, Me, and her best friend went to see a movie (Hope Floats), we all got our nails done and then we went out to eat. When we got home, she spent the rest of the weekend with her friends, visiting them one by one and telling them good-bye.
I have often looked back on that time and thanked God for giving me that last weekend. How many parents get that opportunity. Ironically, at one moment during that day, we were all talking and joking about what kind of flowers we wanted on our caskets. Rachelle wanted sunflowers and yellow carnations. (And that is what she got).
Everything I start to feel that empty feeling coming on, I think about that weekend and once again I thank God for giving me that opportunity.
Lisa, I hope you have found that special place to go to when you are feeling that strong emptiness. It will never go away, but once you learn to cope with it, life gets better again.
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Thanks so much for sharing Johnette!! We love and miss Rachael…one day we will spend eternity with our kiddos. What a day that will be.
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