I will continue my Joy Journey, but I needed to share about Blake’s Run. We had the 2nd Blake’s Run on November 1st. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and the temperature just a little chilly. Planning for this event had been months in the making. So many people had volunteered for this event. All of the proceeds go to college-aged kids wanting to go on the mission field to “Tell The World About Jesus”. Blake’s Run is such a great fundraiser, but to those who knew and loved Blake, the day is bittersweet. My friend Vickie said it best ” it’s like planning a big party and the guest of honor never shows up”. That was exactly how I felt.

I know the run is focused on the mission field, but Blake was my child, my son, my baby. The weeks leading up to Blake’s Run were not easy. My emotions were on my sleeves. I would cry for something so silly. Again, I was having trouble just breathing. I wanted the day to go perfect, that’s crazy I know because nothing is perfect!! I had a restlessness inside me that was swolling me whole. The closer the race got, the more anxious I became. I was so scared of the “what ifs”. Satan was trying to slip in and ruin the day.

Derek and Sarah arrived on Wednesday, October 29th. I was so happy to see them. I always feel better when I can hug them!! We went to Canton for a few hours on Thursday and then on to the church to be there when the runners started picking up their packets and t-shirts. I love meeting all the people who run in the race. I love it when I see someone walk in with an Texas A&M t-shirt on and I get to tell them a funny Blake story.

Friday night Derek and Sarah went to the airport to pick up their friend, Faith. She flew here from North Carolina to run in this race. On Friday, my mom, sister and her family arrived. This was Halloween. Blake loved Haolloween. Some years he would dress up in 3 or 4 different costumes and re-trick or treat houses. I was getting that knot in my stomach, and it was getting hard to breath again. Our family was invited to a Halloween party over at Jenny Watson’s that night. We had a really good time….but my heart was hurting. I tried to hide it, I’m not the best at that. The kids had a good time and it was time to go home…sleep…and head to the race.

We arrived at the school Saturday morning at 7:00 am…all 13 of us!! All the preparations were falling right into place. Our CG (community group) was there helping in every aspect of the day. By the way, we have the very BEST CG. It was time for the race to start, and I had the privilege of shooting the gun to start the race!! There go all the runners…beautiful sight. It didn’t take long before my husband was back, he hurt his calf….I believe he said he heard something pop, that was not a good thing. Before we knew it, the race was done. The winners were announced and it was time to clean up and go home. It was a good day…nothing happened…pretty much perfect!! God had given us a great day!! But, I still felt sad. I shouldn’t have, after all I had my family with me…but, there will always be one missing.

We had a great afternoon at the park. Just got to visit and watch the kids play. When we got home, I remember going out on my back porch and the tears just began to fall. It was like someone had poked a hole in me and I was deflating!! I was so thankful the day had gone so well, but my heart was hurting. I stayed out there because I didn’t want anyone to know I was crying. I should be happy, right? We had a “perfect” day. I was so sad and I just couldn’t shake it. I’ve learned, sometimes I just need to cry…let it out and sometimes I know I need to scream!! I couldn’t even spend time with my son, I didn’t want him to see me cry. I didn’t want him to know how I was hurting. Fear and anxiety were starting to take over. When that happens, I just shut down. I can’t control it, it controls me. It’s like my mind goes into survival mode. I feel foggy…not really knowing what’s going on around me. Just surviving each moment. I never realized people noticed me doing this. I thought I was hiding it pretty good. Not the case. I was making people feel like they were in the way or not welcome. I had no idea that I was doing this. That was not what my intentions were, but that is how it was perceived. I was just trying to hold myself together.

I’m doing much better now…I still cry. Tears are healing!! I can’t run or hide from my fears…I have to face them. My God is strong. With Him, He makes me strong. I just have to remember to “lean in” to Him. I can’t do this on my own.
GOD IS GOD-every moment!! This is more evident everyday I live.

The summer of 2012 ended and fall was here. I still was struggling to just get through the day. The hole inside my heart was so large, I was missing a part of me. How was I suppose to live to rest of my life without my son? It was not suppose to happen this way. I was suppose to go to Heaven first. I was truly broken and didn’t think I could ever be mended. I was just so sad. When I did laugh or smile it would only last for a moment because I would think I was doing something wrong. I thought to myself ” I will never be happy again”.

A sweet friend of mine, Janice, invited me one October morning to meet her to go shopping and have lunch. So, I said yes and got myself ready and headed to Rockwall. I remember as I crossed Lake Ray Hubbard praying this prayer “Lord, I know I won’t be happy for a very long time, but I miss my JOY. Please give me just a little JOY back in my life.” After I prayed, the sun or should I say “Son” started shining so bright in my car. This light was so comforting, it was so bright and warm. I felt a peace that I had not felt in a very long time. I had no idea what was fixing to start happening in my life.

Summer of 2012 is somewhat of a blur. I was numb. Breathing was such a hard thing. Sleeping, just didn’t happen at night anymore. I could nap a little during the day, but nighttime was horrible. My mind would literally go wild. I thought at one time that I was going to loose my mind. Very scarey!!

I remember talking to my sweet Randy about Blake and saying to him “I know he’s in Heaven, but I just need to know he’s ok.” I started wondering where Heaven really was. Is it up, far beyond the stars in the sky or is it all around us? As a momma, I just needed to know where my son was. Every momma wants to know where their babies are at all times, no matter what the circumstance.

In August that year, I got a message from a friend who I hadn’t heard from in a while. Her name was Pam. I waited a week to call her back. I figured she had just heard about Blake and I had to build myself up to talk about it. I called her, and yes she had heard about Blake’s death. She told me I have something to tell you, but I don’t want to upset you. I told her I’m always upset, I would be fine, not knowing what she was about to tell me. She began her story, it was about a dream she had just a couple of weeks before she heard about Blake. Her daddy had past away I believe 20 years prior to this dream. She told me that in her dream, her daddy was sitting at her kitchen table and told her “he’s ok”. She said she asked him, “who’s ok?” Again, he said the same words, “he’s ok.” Then, she turned around and he was gone. I’m sitting here listening to her and I get the strangest peace…she said I think he was talking about Blake. I replied, I know he was. I told her about my conversations with Randy about that very question “is he ok”. This was a direct answer from God for me…may sound crazy to you, but it was all I needed. God had answered my prayer…my sweet boy was ok!! I thanked Pam for callng me, she had truly giving me a great blessing for telling me about her dream.

After Derek and Sarah moved to North Carolina, my world just seemed so strange. I was home a lot by myself. As a Christian, I had never felt satan so close. He would whisper in my ear “the what ifs”. Satan would literally terrorize me. My friend Janna would tell me over and over “God is not the author of confusion, satan is”. This made sense, but I still had to fight constantly to just breath.

I remember Vickie told me one day to “just scream at satan”. This was awesome. I would actually scream out loud to satan…”you do not win”. I can’t even count the times I’ve hollared at him!! This is so refreshing. It might seem a little wild, but it works.

One day, satan just would not leave me alone. I prayed and screamed all day long. When Randy got home from work that evening, I told him I had had a horrible day. I had fought satan all day long. I remember telling him “satan is in our house and we have to pray him out”. He probably thought I was crazy but, my sweet husband took my hand and we went in every room of our house and prayed satan out. I was physically exhausted. That’s what satan does…he drains you…but, if you allow JESUS in, He fills you. He fills you with His spirit and makes you whole, not broken!!!

Still, some days are screaming days…but, it’s ok. I remind myself that this world is not my home. I’m only here for a little while. One day, when my work is done here on earth I will get my reward which is HEAVEN. I can’t wait to see what I’ve only imagined…

Saturday, May 26, 2012….today Derek and Sarah get married! When I look back, I’m so thankful Derek and Sarah went through with their wedding. They offered to move the date, but I think that’s what got us through the week after Blake’s death. We had something to focus on.

It was the most beautiful wedding. Derek walked me down the aisle to be seated and heart was so full of love and respect for this sweet boy of mine. He was so handsome!! Then, when I saw his beautiful bride coming down the stairs with her daddy right by her side….she had the biggest smile on her face. God had given me “my girl”. I love her so much, she was meant to be part of our family. Her sweet daddy placed her hand in Derek’s and the ceremony began. Sarah had her sister, and bridesmaids all standing by her. Derek had his groomsmen, but there was a spot next to him left empty. That was where Blake was suppose to be. No one could fill those shoes. Blake was his best man. He helped Derek pick the tuxes and shoes out a few months earlier. Blake loved a little flare. The shoes were so him!! It was really cool to see Derek and his buddies in the shoes Blake had picked out…black and white patten leather. They looked sharp!!

At their reception, the proposal video was played. It had been just a year before when Derek had asked Sarah to marry him. Blake was right by his side videoing the whole thing. Wow, I’m so thankful for that video. It has the most precious proposal I could have ever imagined!!

Derek and Sarah moved in with us for the summer. Not what a newlywed would want. But, they were so selfless. They comforted Randy and I more than they will ever know. It was so good to have them there during the first months without Blake.

July came and Sarah first moved to North Carolina and Derek followed just a few weeks later. It was so hard to let them go….but, I know without a doubt that this was God’s plan for there life. They were married and had to live their own life. I was so proud of them, but I worried just like any momma would do because they were so far away. I had to trust in the Lord…He had big plans for them in Chapel Hill, NC. He had friends and a church waiting on them.

God is God-every moment!!

The days after Blake’s death are some what foggy. I think that is part of God’s protection for me. We had so many ups and downs. When you bury a child, it just seems so wrong. It’s not suppose to happen that way. Your children are suppose to bury you. That’s how it would be if we lived in a perfect world…but, our world is broken.
In my mind, I think satan asked God “how do you think YOUR people are going to act now. Are they still going to think you are such a great God?” The answer to that is YES!! We serve a mighty God that is so awesome and great!! God did not take Blake to punish us, but it was Blake’s reward. Blake had accomplished so much in his 20 years and 8 months on this earth. He truly was a child of the one true King!! He loved the Lord and lived his life accordingly. I only hope I can live my life as pleasing to the Lord as Blake did. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is I can’t disappoint Blake. I always want him to say “look at my momma, she never gave up.” I would never want to disappoint him.
One of the most awesome things we said during the 6 days was “God is God”. We later found out that on Blake’s Facebook under his religion those were his exact words “God is God”. Such a great kiddo. I sure miss that sweet boy of mine. He was a gift to me. I’m so thankful that God chose me, of all the mommas in the world, to be his momma. He taught me so much!!
There is so much that I don’t remember about those 6 days before Blake died and even the days after. I would love it if some of you would share your memories of those days. I need you to fill in the blanks. I would like to know what your prespective was…

As we rode home, it felt so strange. I had never thought we would leave the hospital and Blake not go with us. My sweet boy was gone…separated from me until I would go home.
Our house was full of family and friends when we arrived. I still thought, wished and even prayed that this was a horrible dream and it was time to wake up!! But, this was my life now. I could fill the sadness inside me growing so big and so strong. Everyone told me that I was going to be angry with God and it was normal…nothing in my life was normal. I hated the saying “this is your new normal”. So, I began to pray and beg the Lord to not let me become angry with Him. I have prayed that prayer so many times. God has been so faithful to me in that prayer. I’ve never been mad at Him. When the sadness would over whelm me, I would pray “just let me vision Heaven”. Blake was completely whole there. No more pain, no more migraines and no more suffering. He was the lucky one. He was with Jesus!!
Derek and Sarah’s wedding was on May 26th which was only a few short days away. I can’t remeber the exact day, but they went for their last marriage counseling session with Randy Wade. When they came home from this, they looked so different…they ask us to go with them in our bedroom to talk. I had no idea what was going to happen next. Sarah sat down on my bed and she looked at Derek, then Randy and myself. She told us the most amazing thing. She said…I’ve been saved!! I was filled with the most wonderful JOY!! My sweet girl asked JESUS to come into her heart. She was my gift!! I remember her saying that Blake would not leave her alone. He knew she needed JESUS in her heart!! This was the first of many blessings God has given to our family since Blake passed away.

We sat holding Blake’s hand after he took his final breath. He was with Jesus. It did not seem real…it felt like I was dreaming. I remember someone coming into the room just minutes after Blake had died and started talking about an autopsy…who does that…what parent wants to think about their child being cut open and probed on? This seemed so cruel. He was gone, couldn’t he just be left in peace. The autopsy wasn’t going to change anything…my sweet boy was in Heaven.

We returned to the waiting room, there all our family and friends were just waiting on us. Everyone is crying. My sweet Randy once again gathered us in our circle to pray. Everyone in the circles eyes were closed except for mine and Nick Clark. I remember my eyes locking into Nick’s eyes. My heart was beating so fast, I thought I was going to pass out. Again, I asked myself “is this really happening?”

People started picking up our belongings in the room that we had lived the last 4 days. I felt paralyzed…what was I going to do now? Where do I go from here? How am I going to spend the rest of my life without my sweet Blakey boy?

God had a perfect plan…I did not like His plan…but, I knew I had to trust Him and place all my faith in Him. After all, God is God!!!

When we got to Blake’s room he looked different. His neck was very swollen. The nurses weren’t exactly sure why. We waited for the doctor to come. We were expecting him to be so excited about the CT scan results. That was not the case. When he arrived, he basically told us that we had been misinformed … his words were “the Blake you knew no longer is with us, if he lives we will have to remove both of his legs and he will be blind and will most likely never wake up”. Randy and I were in shock, we told him that was not what the doctor told us yesterday. She said he could overcome this. Again, he said that was not the case. One thing I remember so clearly, he (the doctor) grabbed my hand and padded it and actually said to me…”but, you have your faith”. It was like he was mocking my faith. I wanted to slap him. What if that had been his son lying in that bed….how would he have felt.
Randy demanded a second opinion. We did get a second opinion but, that doctor agreed with the other one. Our Blake was gone.
A nurse came in and took us into a small room. There another doctor tried to explain Blake’s condition. He was so kind….he had actually lost a son. He knew our pain.
When we returned to the waiting room, it was filled with family and friends. Again, we formed a circle and prayed.
We went in to be with Blake and his condition was going down hill very quickly. His organs were beginning to shut down. The time was nearing…Jesus was calling him home.
Blake’s room was full of people. I remember placing my hand on his heart and telling him we would be ok. The tears were rolling down my cheek onto his hand. I was there the first time I heard his heart beat and I was there the last time I heard his heart beat.
Uncle John began singing, and slowly my sweet boy went to be with Jesus. So quietly…so peacefully. We did not have to turn the machines off…God simply took him home.

Monday morning came, Blake was still fighting. His neurologist came in and told us that he wanted to do a CT scan to see the damage in Blake’s brain. It was so scarey because they had to take Blake to the X-ray which meant moving him out of his room. It was around 10:00 am when they came for him. It took forever it seemed to get him back to his room. He finally returned and we went in to see him. He was still so still. His nurse Sarah decided it was time he got his teeth brushed and a shave. When she started to brush his teeth, he gagged. She told us that this is a good thing that his gag reflex still worked. This was a good sign. We were so thrilled…we would take any sign of life!!
My sister, Heather arrived and I was so thankful to see her. She went in to see Blake and started talking about Maguire and he started flinching. Sarah, his nurse even saw it. She told Heather to keep talking. Again, we were thankful for the little things.
Around 5:00 pm Sarah came to get us. The CT results were in. As we walked back with her, she was smiling. I asked her if it was good news? She nodded, yes!! A neurologist, not our neurologist, was sitting on the desk and told us she had great news. Blake had mini strokes in his brain…then, she said nothing a healthy 20 year old couldn’t over come. I asked her, are you sure?? She said yes!!
Everyone was waiting on news in the waiting room…when we walked in we told them Blake was going to be ok … There were shouts of JOY!! Once again we gathered in our circle and prayed thanking God for this miracle.
I remember talking to a good friend of mine and asking her..God wouldn’t tease me would he?? In the back of my mind, I couldn’t relax.
That night my sister stayed with Blake so we could get some sleep. I slept 3 hours, got up and got a shower and headed down to see Blake. Little did I know that in only a few hours our lives would be forever changed…