I will continue my Joy Journey, but I needed to share about Blake’s Run. We had the 2nd Blake’s Run on November 1st. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and the temperature just a little chilly. Planning for this event had been months in the making. So many people had volunteered for this event. All of the proceeds go to college-aged kids wanting to go on the mission field to “Tell The World About Jesus”. Blake’s Run is such a great fundraiser, but to those who knew and loved Blake, the day is bittersweet. My friend Vickie said it best ” it’s like planning a big party and the guest of honor never shows up”. That was exactly how I felt.

I know the run is focused on the mission field, but Blake was my child, my son, my baby. The weeks leading up to Blake’s Run were not easy. My emotions were on my sleeves. I would cry for something so silly. Again, I was having trouble just breathing. I wanted the day to go perfect, that’s crazy I know because nothing is perfect!! I had a restlessness inside me that was swolling me whole. The closer the race got, the more anxious I became. I was so scared of the “what ifs”. Satan was trying to slip in and ruin the day.

Derek and Sarah arrived on Wednesday, October 29th. I was so happy to see them. I always feel better when I can hug them!! We went to Canton for a few hours on Thursday and then on to the church to be there when the runners started picking up their packets and t-shirts. I love meeting all the people who run in the race. I love it when I see someone walk in with an Texas A&M t-shirt on and I get to tell them a funny Blake story.

Friday night Derek and Sarah went to the airport to pick up their friend, Faith. She flew here from North Carolina to run in this race. On Friday, my mom, sister and her family arrived. This was Halloween. Blake loved Haolloween. Some years he would dress up in 3 or 4 different costumes and re-trick or treat houses. I was getting that knot in my stomach, and it was getting hard to breath again. Our family was invited to a Halloween party over at Jenny Watson’s that night. We had a really good time….but my heart was hurting. I tried to hide it, I’m not the best at that. The kids had a good time and it was time to go home…sleep…and head to the race.

We arrived at the school Saturday morning at 7:00 am…all 13 of us!! All the preparations were falling right into place. Our CG (community group) was there helping in every aspect of the day. By the way, we have the very BEST CG. It was time for the race to start, and I had the privilege of shooting the gun to start the race!! There go all the runners…beautiful sight. It didn’t take long before my husband was back, he hurt his calf….I believe he said he heard something pop, that was not a good thing. Before we knew it, the race was done. The winners were announced and it was time to clean up and go home. It was a good day…nothing happened…pretty much perfect!! God had given us a great day!! But, I still felt sad. I shouldn’t have, after all I had my family with me…but, there will always be one missing.

We had a great afternoon at the park. Just got to visit and watch the kids play. When we got home, I remember going out on my back porch and the tears just began to fall. It was like someone had poked a hole in me and I was deflating!! I was so thankful the day had gone so well, but my heart was hurting. I stayed out there because I didn’t want anyone to know I was crying. I should be happy, right? We had a “perfect” day. I was so sad and I just couldn’t shake it. I’ve learned, sometimes I just need to cry…let it out and sometimes I know I need to scream!! I couldn’t even spend time with my son, I didn’t want him to see me cry. I didn’t want him to know how I was hurting. Fear and anxiety were starting to take over. When that happens, I just shut down. I can’t control it, it controls me. It’s like my mind goes into survival mode. I feel foggy…not really knowing what’s going on around me. Just surviving each moment. I never realized people noticed me doing this. I thought I was hiding it pretty good. Not the case. I was making people feel like they were in the way or not welcome. I had no idea that I was doing this. That was not what my intentions were, but that is how it was perceived. I was just trying to hold myself together.

I’m doing much better now…I still cry. Tears are healing!! I can’t run or hide from my fears…I have to face them. My God is strong. With Him, He makes me strong. I just have to remember to “lean in” to Him. I can’t do this on my own.
GOD IS GOD-every moment!! This is more evident everyday I live.